A Message To The Future Me: A Reminder

Hello guys, long time no see, I've just got back from my hiatus in writing. The last time I wrote was about my internship going right? Guess what I've done now. I am on my semester break right now. Kinda feeling lonely and stuck at some point. There's a lot going on in my head. I feel I am a failure. I don't know why i said that to myself but that's what i feel right now. I just can't lie to myself. The reason is I'm more than 20 and still feelin like I can't do anything, not even helping the family's finances. Just taking classes, doing my homework, being an ordinary college student. Not that active nor anything. I love music, I can play guitar but also not really professional at it. I love English as a second language but guess what, somehow I am not really confident with my level of proficiency. There's a lot of words I can't understand if I were watching youtube interviews. I love writing like these, it's my safe place yet again I feel my writing skill is average. 

All I did at home during this break time was just doing chores, overthinking, continuously. I know doing chores kinda helps my mom ease her work at home but I wanna do something valuable. Something that resulting money. Yup i mean working but haven't known what my capabilities are. Always afraid to meet new people overthink everything. Do you guys have the same problem? Is this what's called a middle aged crisis or identity issues?

Identity issues is when someone feels uncertain about several issues in identity form for example long term career goals, career choice, mainly hopeless about everything. I am not saying I gave up my life, not at all. Just feeling what do I have to do now? so that i can feel useful, not only count on my parent's fund. Lots of kids my age lately made me envious and insecure. Kpop idols, footballers, other athletes, some of my friends that are already successful in life imo. 

Is that so wrong? If I get jealous and insecure. I understand everyone has their time to shine. I called it “God's time”, it made me realize that I couldn't just count on “God's time”, I needed to make a move to search my path first then God will lead me to it. 

The main problem here, I still haven't gotten any signs. Do i just say fuck it and do anything ? try anything? or waiting more? I have so many dreams. Being independent makes my parents proud, shutting  up every single mouth that belittles my parents, returning the favor they've (parents) been given to me these past decades. Going abroad, living there, having a family with a European man who's a man of God, not patriatrical, family man typa guy, devoted, head over heels for me and our little family, mature, and older than me of course. I just wanna live my life with such good vibes and a positive mind everyday in the future.  I want my life far away from stress and depression.

That's just how I feel these days, my purpose now is to finish my degree. Find a job related to my interest (journalist, writer, or a content creator) . I hope I'll find my true identity sooner or later. I believe as the time goes by I will practically learn more and more and that's the time i will grow and bloom. I'll be just praying and fulfilling the duty these days. Hope you guys can take a little lesson from what I've been through. If u feel the same way then we're on the same boat, friends. I suggest you to not overthink it the way i did okay. Everything's just gonna be FINE, as long as you rely your life on God.

Thank you for reading my shitty writing and confession. For the future me, if u manage to be successful soon id like to say thank you in advance for believing in yourself, trying, and working your ass of to reach your dreams. I really meant it and if u haven't yet trust me you will make it in the near time, just stay focused and pray on your goals okay! Take care of your health, physically and mentally! We're in this together aight! we gonna make this work Kimmy! Fighting💟☝